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mmm peanut butter   
10:20am 19/02/2007
mood: cheerful
Hey Hey i guess it hasn't hit me yet...
I fell through this crack and i kinda lost my head.
Sorry just singing.
So i found this Blue Rodeo cd in Craig's music folder and it brings back so many memories of grade 7 and 8....haha simple times and simple relationships. I probably dated Andrew Bento like 20 times through elementary school.
I had to write because I had such an unbelievably good time on Friday lol. I never EVER thought i could have such a good time at a bar but it was awesome and we are doing it again on Saturday.
SO we went to Sin City which is a strip bar. My second strip bar in this city and it was definately an awesome one. The first one that i went to down the street was lame and the strippers were lame. Not that i care TOO much about strippers or anything lol but ya. It was fun....well except for the fact that the guys wanted to sit right at the dance floor so you can see EVERYTHING and the strippers kept coming close to us lol TOO CLOSE.
So Nicole and i got nice and drunk...and of course i had to get fucking heartburn and drenched. Haha Chris got to excited when a stripper came on and was banging the table and my drink fell and spilled all over me and i was wet all night. But that's ok i was too drunk to care really.
We drank Smirnoff ice all night long. mmmm. So Josh ended up coming, Chris and Trent were there as well. Josh had a great time and has finally made friends with Chris. Nicole and i have been trying to set this up forever. They got along so well, they are into the same music and both are/were in bands....etc..
So Friday is video game night at Chris's. Josh is going to go over there to play some old skool games with the guys. Nic and i are going to go shopping and then when were finished were gonna pick up some Baileys chocolate mint and go and watch the guys play some games.
Saturday we are heading back over to Sin City for it's official opening so that will be good times. There is this punching machine that you have to punch really hard and try to get a high number. Some people were getting fuckin 900, which is really high.
Anyways, I guess i better go and finish this assignment that i have been working on for months. This is exactly why i need my own computer.
So yeah,

(kiss away the pain)

had to write!   
09:52am 12/02/2007
  Woo, i am so happy this morning.
Going to the fitness centre is finally paying off.
The scale is going down, it's down slowly but the point is is that it's still going down.
AND people notice.
That's right.
People effing notice. haha :)
Michelle asked me yesterday if i was going to the gym and then said that she can tell i lost weight because my face is not as round and my cheek bones are more prominent.
I can't tell but as long as other people can tell i don't care.
Since October when i joined, i have lost almost 12 lbs...and for some reason most of that has been in the past month and a half. Oh well, it's awesome!
So on a much sadder note.
My dad might lose his job.
I didn't want to write about it because it makes me so furious and then it makes me cry.
Bowater is so fucking stupid.
My dad has been there 31 years.....31 FREAKING YEARS AND HIS JOB ISN'T EVEN SECURE ANYMORE!!!!
My dad gave them 31 years of his life and now they might lay him off.
So yup, more cut backs at Bowater.
My uncle Steve was laid off last year after 25 years.
So fucking stupid.
So in the spring they are laying off everyone under 32 years.
Ooo and my dad has only been there 31 years.
What is he going to do? He's been working there since he was 18.
I am so sad for him :(
My mom said some days he worries he'll be laid off, others he doesn't worry because they need him.
See what there plan is is to get rid of people like my dad that make $40 an hour and start hiring younger guys at $9....which is smart but i still disagree bcuz you shouldnt treat employees like that...especially ones that have been there for 30 years.
Anyways, so my mom said they are selling the house, the house i grew up in. If my dad loses his job there are moving to Muskoka and my dad will work with his brother in construction and then i will never see them. I dont even see them enough now. This bites.
If they do end up moving down there i'm gonna seriously talk to Josh about moving down there. Muskoka is so beautiful and it's not that far from Toronto and my bestfriend.
If he doesn't want to, i don't know what i would do. I don't like it here. I don't want to live in Winnipeg the rest of my life.
I moved here with him and his parents for 3.5 years so he can move to Muskoka with me! That's how i see it.
Anyways, am sad and i must go and finish all this homework i have to do bcuz i procrastinate.

(kiss away the pain)

09:56am 08/01/2007
mood: cold
Well....teehee, it's not forsure yet but they are hiring 400 people so i'm sure it's not impossible. He's applying at Boeing which is the largest aerospace composite manufacturer in Canada. Oooo, sounds important. How exciting!!!! He will be starting at $17 an hour, how effing awesome is that!? Do you hear that? That's the sound of my life finally beginning. Since were officially common law now income tax will be a bitch though. Whatever. Life outside of this place is my dream!!! Hehe.
So school is going ok, i am freaking out because i only have until April to finish everything. Gah. Heidi figures that i'm going to get as much money back from taxes this year as i did last. That will be sweet because then i will have all my half for college. Next month I have to go downtown and write an entrance test and hopefully i will get in for Sept. if i don't there's always Feb. I saw an add in the paper for a vet. assistant and i got all excited. It will be a good job for me.....well minus the saddness.
So first on our list of things to buy is a Wii of course, then a computer, then a car and then anything else that will be easier to purchase while our rent is low. I have a feeling that if Josh gets this job that rent will go up but i'm not paying anymore. If so i'd move out right now. I won't be able to prolly even pay what i am paying now since when i start school i'm going down to part time.
So Christmas at home was awesome, as always. I love having Joshua there with me, it makes everything perfect. Since i didn't go home last year i didn't get to see everyone so it was nice to have everyone there this year. Josh and i got alot of nice things, lots of bad things (chocolate) good thing i have self control! Hey i already lost 10 inches in total and i feel great so i am not giving that up for anything! So Seven and Bailey got along just like i thought they would. Hah mornings were crazy bcuz they would just run around the house but it was cute. I got to spend alot of time with Kristin and Lucas. Kris is fun. They are coming for a visit in a week or two so im excited. When i was home though, i didn't get to spend alot of time with friends....at all. I really regret that. I made plans with Crawf and had to leave a day early. I was supposed to call Carly but never did bcuz i left a day early. I was supposed to go to Dayns but never did and then left a day early. That's what happens when you procrastinate. I planned to do everything in one night and then i left friggin early. Good thing though bcuz the next day Winnipeg got 25cm of snow. We would have been stuck.
Ahh well, that's ok. I am going home lots this year since i have 3 weeks vacation. I spending quite some time in the summer there so i'll have a chance to see alot of people. I just really miss my mom, dad and brother for some reason....all the freaking time.
Well i guess i better get going. I could write forever today but i have lots of work to do.

(2 kisses | kiss away the pain)

This is an article off the Cnet news website :(   
03:34pm 24/11/2006
mood: sad
Dennis Bennett was failing his college classes, his marriage was in trouble, and he wasn't being much of a father to his 1-year-old son. But he had progressed to Level 58 as Madrid, the Great Shaman of the North, his character in the online role-playing game "EverQuest," and that was all that mattered at the time.

Bennett, whose family life and grades in school have recovered nicely since he stopped playing the game about a year ago, considers himself a recovered "EverQuest" addict, now able to control his desire to immerse himself in the game's rich fantasy world.

"The game almost ruined my life," said the network engineer in southern Indiana. "It was my life. I ceased being me; I became Madrid, the Great Shaman of the North. Thinking of it now, I almost cringe; it's so sad."

Long a subject of half-serious jokes among devotees of computer and video games, game addiction is receiving serious attention lately as fantasy games such as "EverQuest"--nicknamed "EverCrack" by many players--proliferate.

A Wisconsin woman has blamed "EverQuest" in the suicide late last month of her 21-year-old son, who had a history of mental health problems and was an obsessive "EverQuest" player. The game was also implicated in the death last year of a Tampa, Fla., infant, whose father allegedly was so devoted to the game he fatally neglected the child.

While such cases are rare, mental-health professionals say the fantasy worlds offered by computer and video games can become the stuff of very real addictions that destroy marriages and careers.

"It's a huge and growing problem with older teenage males and young adult males," said Dr. Timothy Miller, a Stockton, Calif., clinical psychologist. "I've seen a number of cases with 17- or 18-year-old males where they have a broadband (Internet) connection and they basically haven't left the house for years. everquest

"I had one young man who was trying to get on Social Security disability for agoraphobia," he said. "He didn't have a mental disorder; he just didn't want to leave 'EverQuest' or instant messaging."

Some have suggested that warning labels be placed on "EverQuest," which has more than 400,000 paying subscribers. Scott McDaniel, vice president of marketing for "EverQuest" publisher Sony Online Entertainment, said the company relies on players to employ good judgment.

"I guess our standpoint is the same as all kinds of products--you have to be responsible in using it," he said. "You don't see disclaimers when you get in a car saying 'Don't run over people.' People have to exhibit their own good sense, and if they have kids, they need to pay attention to what they're doing."

Video games played on consoles such as Sony's PlayStation 2 can become the object of compulsive behavior, especially among children. But such problems are usually easily solved through modest parental intervention and the self-limiting nature of such games, which become repetitive and boring at some point.

The lure of "heroinware"
Online PC games such "EverQuest," the new "Dark Age of Camelot," or "Diablo II"--dubbed "heroinware" by some players--can pose much more complex problems. Extensive chat features give such games a social aspect missing from offline activities, and the collaborative/competitive nature of working with or against other players can make it hard to take a break.

Fun and games or serious business?
Is your game playing a hobby or a pathological behavior pattern? Computer Addiction Services at Harvard University-affiliated McLean Hospital says psychological and physical symptoms of addiction include the following:

• Inability to stop the activity

• Neglect of family and friends

• Lying to employers and family about activities

• Problems with school or job

• Carpal tunnel syndrome

• Dry eyes

• Failure to attend to personal hygiene

• Sleep disturbances or changes in sleep patterns

Online titles account for a small portion of the overall games business, but research firm IDC expects online games to account for $1.8 billion in annual revenue by 2005, as Microsoft, Sony and others compete to push gamers online.

Miller cites two defining characteristics of addiction: The person regularly engages in activity for much longer than originally planned and "(continues) doing it in spite of adverse consequences."

By those standards, most of the players described in online support groups such as Yahoo's "EverQuest Widows" qualify as addicts.

"I have a friend who's in the process of getting a divorce because of 'EverQuest,'" said Lea, a regular player of the game. "A guy I talk to has been through three girlfriends and even more jobs because of the game." Like other players, Lea declined to provide a last name.

Although Lea said she's been able to find a workable balance between "EverQuest" and real-world obligations, she often questions her devotion to the game.

"I think of quitting all the time," she said. "I'm sure there are a lot of departments I'm lacking in now, like I don't pay as much attention to my kids as I should."

Most online games include copious amounts of chats, allowing players to interact with each other in the guise of the characters they represent. Dr. Maressa Hecht Orzack, director of Computer Addiction Services at Harvard University-affiliated McLean Hospital, said the social aspect is a primary factor in many game addictions.

"Many of these people are lonely, have never felt like they belonged," she said. "People get a sense of belonging in the game. In some cases, it provides the only friends they interact with."

Such games also lure players with complex systems of goals and achievements. "EverQuest" players engage in activities to develop their characters from one level to the next and compete to find valuable in-game elements such as armor and weapons. Players can find themselves wrapped up in the game for hours as they struggle to gain one more skill or weapon.

"I'd say the most addictive part for me was definitely the gain of power and status," said Bennett. "The way in which as you progressively gain power you become more (of) an object of awe (to) the other players...each new skill isn't enough."

Miller, the Stockton psychologist, saw just how compelling such in-game goals can be when he tried playing "Diablo II," to see what the game was about. Before long, he found himself in all-night sessions with the game, a habit he broke by deleting the game from his PC and giving away the CD it came on.

see related story: "Each goal leads to another goal, and there are critical choices you make along the way," he said. "You invest a lot of time and thought into developing a character. You feel like you've wasted your time unless you reach the next goal."

Such lures can be insidious, Miller said. "Here I was in a good position to understand the problem...and yet I really did have to struggle to beat this thing," Miller said of his game habit. "I can imagine that somebody with less knowledge of these kinds of issues would really have a hard time understanding what was happening to them."

Acknowledging the problem
Like most addictions, the toughest part of recovering from game addiction is often getting the addict to acknowledge there's a problem--a task made all the more difficult by the seemingly innocuous nature of games.

Angie said her live-in boyfriend spends at least 30 hours a week playing "EverQuest" as a female elf--a character choice she finds "weird and disturbing"--at the expense of housework, family obligations and sometimes work. "The saddest part of all is the fact that he doesn't admit that it's an addiction and seems oblivious to the damage his personal life is suffering due to the game," she said.

For players who do admit they have a problem, the most common response is a guilt-and-purge cycle common to many addictions. While Bennett was able to kill his character and delete the "EverQuest" software with no regrets, many game addicts aren't as successful.

"The people I've seen who quit the game and destroy their character...almost all come back and play addictively again," said Lea.

For most players, true recovery involves looking at the issues underlying the game habit, Orzack said. She uses a cognitive-therapy approach in which players examine the emotional motives that prompt them to play a game excessively and look for alternate ways to satisfy those needs.

"Therapy takes the issue that there are a lot of other things going on," she said. "The goal is to get people to realize there is something going on and they need to be in charge of changing it."

Excessive game playing often reflects problems in the home environment, Orzack added.

see related story: Online gaming seeks secret to profits "There's definitely an alienation in some fashion that's going on within the family structure or work structure," she said.

Nicolas Yee conducted extensive player research on "EverQuest" while earning a psychology degree from Hanford College. He found a direct correlation between the amount of time hardcore players spend in the game and a tendency toward neuroticism--"basically how easily a person gets depressed or goes into mood swings," he said.

Yee said that while he doesn't doubt games like "EverQuest" can become an addiction, they can also be a productive outlet for dealing with emotional and behavioral issues.

"Environments like 'EverQuest' can help a person if they're shy or have trouble forming social relationships," he said. "They have this environment where they can safely try new things out. They can experiment with being more vocal, or they can try out a leadership role, which may not be an opportunity they have in real life. Especially for teenagers, it lets them try out different roles and identities at a time when they may be really struggling with those kinds of issues."

(kiss away the pain)

aww, so inlove.   
03:24pm 31/10/2006
mood: inlove
My eyes are itchy! Stop that!
So here i am sitting here drinking a slim fast procrastinating on doing house work on my day off!!
I hate house work. I must clean Tobey, Kaz, and Oscars cage today. Aww, my hamsters were cute this morning.
So this house is pretty crazy today. The Mac's are busy moving there bedroom into the living room and the living room into the dining room so that Julia can have there room when she gets here. Woo.
So yesterday was a good day. Heidi and i went to the gym and worked out, and walked for an hour on the tread while watching CSI. :) It was good. Tonight were going again. I'm gonna try to do some more stuff on the ball tonight. My back is sore. So Nicole won't be joining, she can't afford it right now plus she rather go to the YA and swim. Swimming is for suckers! j/k kidding Nicole. :)
So the weekend is approaching pretty fast. The Mac's are leaving for Thunder Bay on Saturday so we get the house to ourselves!! :) Although i do have to freakin' work all 3 days. Effers!
BUTTTT some good news is, i finally get to go and see Lucas!! Yay!! It sucks stuff didn't work out but i finally get to go :) Can't wait.
Ooo, Joshua is awake and playing with the puppy. Teehee, the puppy got a new ball and she loves playing with it. She's so cute. Josh's hair is so long now, almost as long as mine, it's effin crazy! It nice though, he just needs a trim. You know, he has much nicer hair than me and all he does is wash and go, what a fucker! Stupid boys and there beautiful hair.
Right now i am listening to Eve6 and it reminds me of Chrissy. After me and Jesse broke up and Josh and me were getting together i spent alot of nights there and on the drive home she would always listen to Eve6. So now i have some stupid and some good memories when i hear that band. :)
So i am bored and i just downloading some pictures on the computer so i will post some of Joshua and the puppy.

Joshua on his birthday

Joshua on his new chair

Seven all wet

Josh and Seven on our walk

There's more but i'll post later when i know how to hide them. Well i guess i better go and start laundry :(

(2 kisses | kiss away the pain)

Curves is the crappiest place ever!   
10:26am 24/10/2006
mood: sore
Here i am, again, so soon. :)
So the past week has seemed like the longest week ever!
Heidi and i joined a women's fitness centre and have been there almost everyday. My arm muscles are sore. We've been working alot on the arms and legs and have been walking for an hour on the inclined treadmill everyday. Yesterday i brought Nic as a visitor. She's probably going to join and come with us. She has a clotting disorder so she has so get a doctor's note which sucks. The fitness centre is awesome. We get free tanning and free classes, like yoga, world dance, hip hop. Next month is yoga, Heidi signed up, i haven't decided if i want to yet. So tonight we are going again, it just feels that good. The trainer said that we should notice a change after a month and that we should get measured and weighed then. I am so excited!!! So i have decided to eat better as well....well sorta. I am still on the slimfast diet teehee but as well as eating lean cuisine and drinking 4 bottles of water everyday. I seriously need to lose this 30 pounds i have gained this year...and this depression. I don't like to admit it but...i am stressed to the point where i have acouple grey hairs.
Anyways....my mom and dad are coming this weekend :) They are spending all day sunday here and were gonna do lots of shopping and then go and watch a hockey game. :) Finally, my dad gets to see where i live. :) So when my parents leave on Monday they are dropping my off in Kenora to spend the day with Mikey, Kris, and Lucas. I can't wait!!! Awww, teeheee. So many happy things are happening.
The weekend after that Joshua's parents are going to T-bay and we get the house to ourselves :) So many plans! ;) It's gonna be a good weekend.
So when the parents come back from T-Bay Julia will be home :) The parents have been busy moving things around to make room for her. It's gonna be awesome with her living here. We get along so well now :) The only thing is, is that there's gonna be to many of us living in one house. Good thing Joshua and i spent most of our time in the room, or at work, or the gym.
Well i better get going fast, Y&R is coming on :) Can't miss that.
Hopefully i'll feel the need to update again soon :)

(kiss away the pain)

Little Lucas Jonathan Michael Nolan: Born 7:20 pm on October 17, 2006.   
09:13am 18/10/2006
mood: awake

Awww, teehee, i can't wait to meet my little, tiny, baby cousin. :) He looks just like Mikey :)

(1 kiss | kiss away the pain)

warmness on the soul   
01:49pm 17/10/2006
mood: chipper
Wow, it sure feels like forever since i last updated.
I miss this, i really do. I wish i had my dell right now!!
ANYWAYS, right now as we speak or as i type, Kristin is in LABOUR!!!! :)
Soooo, hopefully by the end of the day little Lucas Jonathan Michael Nolan will be born.
In less than a week i am going to Kenora to visit Mike, Kris, and little Luke and i am so unbelievably excited, you have no idea....or do you?? :) Anyways, My mom, dad and gramma are all going so it will be nice to see everyone. I am staying for 2 days, 2 days is not even close to being long enough!! Maybe i will steal away the baby!! :) teehee. I am glad they live much closer now.
Anyways, so tonight is my first night of Curves. I am kinda nervous but mostly excited.
I need to lose this weight. I was told that when i first moved here and lost that 30lbs that i lost is so quickly that my body went into starvation mode and when i started eating reguluarly it caused my body to just store everything as fat and that is why i have just been gaining wait non-stop. So i have decided to go off the pill to help slightly and now i have joined Curves. Heidi and i are going together tonight, it will good for me. Hopefully it will help. It's 30 minutes a day, 3 times a week but i think i might try 4 days week, i dunno it depends. Nicole is also joining so the days Heidi can't go i can go with Nic.
So other than that things are ok.
I was told yesterday that our Sev may close down due to poor sales. Our store is a weather store and it can't be helped. I am thinking that before the store closes they will hopefully change management. I like Mark and everything but if the change will better things that i'm all for it. There are lots of problems with our store though. The staff doesn't seem to understand merchandising. They just rather place things here and there just to get it put away and done. My HABA sections that doesn't normally do well it doing exceptionally well since i have become category manager. What needs to be done is there needs to be a category manager for every section and if staff spend alot more time merchandising for sales im sure the overall sales percent will increase drastically. People just don't seem to understand and now our sales are suffering. Grrr, ok enough about work because it just pisses me off right now.
So lastnight i went shopping with Nic. It was fun, we bought lots of stuff. I bought 3 pairs of black pants hahah 3 freaking pairs, like i need em. Anyways, i bought a cute picture frame from claire's, it has skulls and stars on it, it reminded me of Carly so i put a picture of me and Carly in it. My collection of pictures now is taking over my room. Pictures everywhere. But it's nice to have pictures of friends new and old around, it makes me happy. So we went to Moxies lastnight and had Bellini's mmmm Bellini's and we order 3 dip med bread of course and i had the buffalo chicken mmmmmmmm I spent way to much money considering i have to pay for Curves tonight and then for gas when i go to Kenora. Oh well, it was fun.
So here i am, on my day off, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and my homework....oh and updating livejournal all at the same time. I am a machine....hah as mark would say because i can mop and sweep at the same time....wow what a talent. I AM SO PROUD!!
Well i must be off, i need to add sex to my list of things to do today. :P YYYEAAHHH.
So i'll try to update more often, :)
Check ya later.

I hate when people say "CHEERS" that is all.

(kiss away the pain)

"The Kill" - 30 Seconds to Mars   
02:33pm 09/06/2006
mood: content
What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for
I'm not running from you

Break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside
Falling from myself
Falling for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am

Break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
Come, break me down
Break me down
Break me down

What if I wanted to break...?

(kiss away the pain)

you leave me breathless   
07:59am 08/06/2006
mood: uncomfortable
Helllo, it sure has been awhile.
I always feel like updating but whenever i get here i see no one else has and then i just say "fuck it"
Where did everyone go. I guess this got old, or now everyone has a blog.....oh well.
So alot has happened since i have last written.
It was so awesome, i didn't want her to leave, i miss her muchly, all the time.
So she got here at 4 on Sat. of May long. We went and get everything set up at her hotel and then came back here to show her our house. It was nice to finally show her where we live...hopefully next time she visits Josh and i will have our own place (hahahah wishful thinking)
Anyways later that night we went out to supper at The Royal Crown revolving restaurant. It made me alittle nausious. I mean you could see us moving and it was a super tall building. So the food was horrible and pricey and were never going there again.
On Sunday we woke up super early and went to the zoo. We haven't been in 2 years and it was so nice. We went early enough that alot of people weren't there yet and the weather wasn't too hot. Alot of the animals were still sleeping though but thats ok. I took a lot of great pitures and printed them all out. My camera and printer are awesome. When i was there i bought some worry dolls.....there are 6 in a bag. At night you tell you worries to the dolls and stick them under your pillow. I bought them because i remember making them when i was younger and it brought back alot of memories. So after that we were off to the mall for lots and lots of shopping, but Josh got tired so we took him home.
Shorly afterwards we went to the Olive Garden, i had lasagna, it was amazing, mmmm. And i finally took my mom to Silvercity since she had never been. We saw Silent Hill(2nd time for me), she really enjoyed it, it was great.
Monday we spend the day shopping in St. Vital and The Forks. We had supper here that night and then me and my mom spent the night at the hotel watching movies. It was nice, i love spending time with my mom. Oh ya, i forgot to mention we went to the casino and guess who won $100, thats right, i did, thanx to Josh who told me not to switch machines. Hehe anyways my mom left on Tuesday and i was sad of course. I don't know when i'll be going home. I want to go camping at Josh's camp this summer so hopefully i am able to quit my job sometime soon.
Next week i have a class and then i get to write a test and get $.15 cent raise. ooooo. Well then i'll be making $9. Whatever. To have worked as hard as i have and get the raises i have got and to see that minimum wage keeps going up. It's at 8.10 now. It just feels like a rip thats all. Plus we have to start wearing hats and today we are having set tills like some of the stores....its gonna make work alot more stressful....hahahh and i thought it couldn't get anymore stressful.
Anyways, last month i finally got my correspondence course. I am taking agriculture in manitoba, its pretty interesting. At first i found it hard to get back into the groove of studying and shit but i think i've got it down now. I'm just about done module one so i get to send in my assignment..ooo and then next month i have an exam...craziness.
Ohh ya, today is Thursday. Mikey movies to Kenora on Saturday. This is so exciting. I wish they could bring Doobie but unfortunatly they can't right now....lame! I can't wait to go and visit them all the time. I'm gonna buy them lots of baby presents. Maybe i'll go shopping this weekend. Kristen is supposed to be calling me today to let me know whether the baby is a boy or girl.....ooo...excitement!!! Can't wait, can't wait!!!!
SO i am sitting here waiting for my package from Hottopic, where are you??!?!?!
I bought 2 tanks and a long sleeved shirt....all half price oh and i got to mention i bought my mom and myself some flip flops. Oooo, it better come today and before i have to leave at work.
Gah work....
Mark hired a new guy and hes such a dork....hes so creeping.
He asked me on a date 2 days ago well...he asked me to a movie and i didn't know if he ment as friends or as a date so i said i didn't know.....so i go to work yesterday dreading the question all day long. It was so awkward because i was his trainer and i was avoiding him hardcore. So the question came and i asked him is he meant as friends and he said ya and that felt alot better until he said "as friends...or whatever" haha the look in my face. oh god.
I am so not used to guys asking me out, i've been with Joshua forever. So i told him i was married, yup, well i am, common-law haha, its official too. SO hahha he then told me i could bring my "husband" hahah i giggled for awhile bcuz we are common law but its funny to hear someone call Josh my husband. So i said no to his invite because that would be to fucking awkward and that was the end of that. I work with him today again, which i fucking hate. I think i'm gonna tell Mark and then maybe he wont have me as his trainer. Gross.
Well i guess i better stop here. I am tired and i have alittle under and hour to lay with Joshua before i have to get ready for work.
Catch Ya Later.

(1 kiss | kiss away the pain)

and everytime i try to fly, i fall.   
10:10am 25/04/2006
mood: peaceful
Woo, it's been awhile, almost 2 months, i am sooo lazy.
Soon i will have a new computer in my room so i can update more often.
It will be nice.
Anyway, in March i took a trip with my parents to Baysville to visit my grampa who had cancer.
It was a good trip and i am so unbelieveably glad i went. I got to visit with everyone that i have missed so much. It was sad to see my grampa so sick though, i almost cried a thousand times.

My grampa passed on Sat. April 8th. :( It's sad but i am just glad he waited til we were all together again.
He's better now, no more pain and suffering. I miss him :(
Kyle and my dad drove down there the next day for the funeral and to help my gramma clean up her place so she can sell it.
:( It's such a beautiful house, my grampa built it with his own two hands. It will be missed. I loved that place soo much.
So Kyle and my dad just got back 2 days ago and brought back a beautiful eulogy and picture of him. My mom's gonna send it to me.

So i went home for Easter, even though i knew my Dad wouldn't be there.
I got to spend the whole weekend with just my mom...it was awesome.
We did lots of shopping and mother and daughter things.
We ate at East Side Marios, which was fun.
Hehe, i've got her addicted to buffalo chicken now.
My gramma, mike and Kristin came over for Turkey on Sunday and then later that night Chrissy came over.
We had munchies and her, me and my mom played from Trivial Pursuit, it was awesome.
I miss my mom muchly :(
I always miss home.

Anyway, i just spend the last 2 hours reading old journal entries back from 2004 and it really made me want to update.
2004 was a good year.
So last week i got my raise $ .50, i should have got $ .60.
But i said i wouldn't quit if he gave me $ .50 or higher so now i'm stuck there until October.
I may quit alittle sooner.
I need to pay off Visa, my school stuff and get my computer before i quit.
I better beable to get that all done before October.
I can't wait til Kristin has her baby...aww..October 8th!! (which happens to be my moms birthday too)
Mike...a daddy...it will be crazy.
I don't want to miss anything so i'm going to quit my job and so home for acouple weeks.
I'm done at Sev, 2 years is long enough.

So i just had 2 days off, and they were really crappy.
I am sooo sick :(
It's horrible.
I left work an hour early on Sat. because i just couldn't talk anymore and then they actually called me on Sat to cover a shift.
pfft, right i couldnt talk then either fuckers.
So Heidi and i went to Dollerama on the way home and i found some neat things, i always buy atleast 5 things, teehee.
Oh, lastnight i finally got some of my 10 year old films developed. teehee, lots of pictures of me from when i was 10, it was great.
So now i only have 9 more to develope. It's kind of exciting. Ya, i need a life.

So acouple weekends ago was the TASTE OF CHAOS concert. Bah.
It was horrible. I didn't enjoy myself at all.
My grampa had just passed, Silverstein played first so i missed some on there set.
Ahhh wellll.........for some reason, concerts just aren't as exciting anymore.
Which reminds me I had a strange dream with Jesse in it lastnight.
He was dating Amber and it was completely horrible.
I'm guessing i dreamt about him because i had a conversation with Heidi about him and my mom had mentioned she saw Amber acouple weeks ago.
Fuck, i hate dreaming about Jesse. It's just such a bad dream to be having.
I feel so guilty everytime i dream about him, but i really don't have anything to feel guilty about.
He lives in Windsor, i love in Winnipeg.
It's crazy to think about everything that has happened since we broke up...or even since i met him.
He changed me. I am glad about that.
I need to stop talking right now.

Well i guess i better go and make some breakfast for us homebodies.
Sorry about jumping from story to story...hehe.
Well I hope i can update again soon, :)


(kiss away the pain)

Me and Joshua   
04:04pm 27/02/2006
mood: amused

elouai's doll maker 3

elouai's doll maker 3

(kiss away the pain)

"Falling Further" - Spoken   
12:46pm 13/02/2006
mood: hungry
You said there would come a day you would live
Someday not so far away from here
And I'm falling further into your arms
And I'm falling further in love with You
I'll sing to you
With all that I am
I'd give my life just to touch your hand

I'm sorry I didn't believe you
When you said that you had to go
I even felt the holes in your hands

And I'm falling further into your arms
And I'm falling further in love with You
I'll sing to you
With all that I am
I'd give my life just to touch your hand
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry I didn't believe you
When you told me that you had to go
I'm sorry I didn't believe you
When you said that you had to go
I even felt the holes in your hands.

I'd give my life to touch your hands (x2)

(kiss away the pain)

02:45pm 07/02/2006
mood: annoyed
Queen of Darkness and Angst
The queen of Darkness and Angst

Which Deep Emotion Are You Queen Of?
brought to you by Quizilla

(kiss away the pain)

RIP Superman : Jan '04 - Feb '06   
12:43pm 02/02/2006
mood: sad
So here i am...crying my eyes, yet again.
Soops died some time in the night and of course i had to find him :(
It's ok though, he died in his sleep, he looked so peaceful.
He's still lying there, i don't want to move him.
I just want to go and watch him and just pretend that he is sleeping :(
I am so happy he lived this long though.
Popeye passed away just after a year.
Dwarf hamsters only live 1-3 years and after just the 1st year they are elderly.
Soops was old.
I was afraid he would pass when i was in Thunder Bay, i am so glad he waited :(
Poor thing though, i hope he didn't suffer much.
His legs had gotten really wobbly and his crotch was always out but he was still eating and drinking and constantly trying to get out of his cage so we could play :)
He was really the best hamster ever.
I don't know if i will ever find a hamster as friendly as him.

We love and miss you muchly Soops.

(kiss away the pain)

"Swing Life Away" - Rise Against   
09:21am 20/01/2006
mood: poop
Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move
The winter's so cold, summer's over too soon
Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand....until you hold my hand

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

Swing life away [x4]

(kiss away the pain)

i called in sick today, shame on me.   
07:52am 18/01/2006
mood: sleepy
Here i am, up before 8 am.
I called in sick today because..well.. i just need a few days to fix things.
Things between Josh and i are not going to well.
We really need to spend some alone time together.
Lately it just seems that spending time together just makes us fight even more.
I just wish he would pay more attention to me, that's all.
Lately i have been buying bridal magazines, don't ask me why.
I can't wait to get married.
The other night i had a dream that it was me and Josh's wedding day and i was upset because my mom didn't hire a professional photographer...anyways. i am so silly.
So yesterday Rene informed me that my co-workers like to talk about me.
Yeah, so apparently they all think i am paranoid.
Paranoid of what? fuck!
Rene said something about fucking up.
So now I am paranoid of fucking up because i double check my counts during cashout and because i go over my orders to make sure they are right.
Oh my god.
Ok...hmm...soo then maybe i'll just not double check things and then fuck up and have them bitch at me, rrrright because thats the smart way to do things.
It just annoys me bcuz of what they said and WHO said it.
Maybe i'll just have to leave a random note in the journal saying someone is drinking at work.
So the one place i go to to get away from fights is now a place i have come to despize.
I don't want to be there.
Sometimes it just seems like there is no reason to even be here.
I miss my life in Thunder Bay.
I miss Christine.
I called her lastnight to talk...i havent done that in awhile.
I miss Christine and i's long phone conversations about nothing....and literally nothing, sometimes we actually just sat there and did our own things while still being on the phone :( i'm gonna cry. I am so sad. It's weird because i never really realized how much i actually missed things back at home.
But ya when i called she was with her boyfriend so we couldnt really talk about anything..which was really sad.
It sucks not having anyone to really talk too...theres only so many things you can say to your "mother in-law"
Before when Josh and i would fight, i'd talk to someone about it and blow off steam and now i don't really have anyone to talk to...so I just stay angry and i have all this anger inside of me.
It's funny bcuz alot of the times Josh makes it out to be that i am the bitch when its not like that at all.
I am just annoyed that when he wakes up he turns on that game and sits there all day long.
He rarely comes and makes our meals with me, when we rent movies he really doesnt watch them.
I don't remember the last time we actually sat there and watched a movie together.
The other night was ok though. It was Nicole's birthday and we went to moxies and then for drinks and cake and her place.
Josh was shy for a bit but then he got better and it was nice for us to just be out together.
I really just want to rent a hotel room close by and just go stay there for a night or too, just us.
I hate the feeling of this house.
I can't be upset or angry without people butting in.
It just doesn't feel like we have any privacy.
We need to deal with our problems ourselves....
Problems...we only really have one problem.
Life will be so much better as soon as Josh gets a job.
I like when he talks about the future because then i know he plans on working really soon.
When that happens, we can finally...FINALLY start our life together :)

Well i guess that is all i really have to say.
I am sleepy so i am going to go and lay next to Josh.
Waking up is the best part of my day because it has become really the only time we really spend with eachother. :) :(
Good Day

(kiss away the pain)

guess what?!?!?!   
08:02pm 17/12/2005
mood: moody
I love living in Winnipeg :)
I finally...FINALLY get to see Silverstein...my life is almost complete.
It's a shame i couldnt get floor tickets.
Daniel....*shakes fist*

oh ya, i get to come home in 10 days! 10 days!!!!! :)
Miss everyone very much.
See you all soon.


(kiss away the pain)

07:01pm 10/12/2005
mood: sore
You are a Dark Red Rose

You represent unconscious beauty and deep passion.

Your vibe: sophisticated and worldly

Falling in love with you is: wildly carnal and forbidden

(kiss away the pain)

gotta type fast.   
09:09am 07/12/2005
mood: cold
Good Morning.
Time is flying by this morning so i dont have much time to update.
I work at 10 and its W+C day so therefore i have alot of stocking to do.
The concert on Monday was fucking amazing...best concert i've ever been to.
It's great to go to a show with someone that appriciates the music as much as me.
Stef is awesome in that way.
We all ended up making our way fairly close to the stage...we were soo freaking close.
I got tons of great pictures and i also bought a t-shirt...of course!
Anyways on a not so good note, Heidi's degu died.
It was a sad day and i cried for hours. It's so sad knowing she was suffering and there was nothing we could do but sit and watch her slowly die :( My eyelids are still dotted with blood spots.
So i've almost got my xmas shopping done.
I've just gotta buy for 3 more girls and i am done....which also means i am broke.
Can't wait to come home!!!
Spending Christmas with my family and Josh is just such an awesome feeling.
Our relationship just feels so different when we are in Thunder Bay, i love it.
I love it here too, i'm just getting annoyed with this stupid game he always has to be playing.
Well i guess i better go and put my 5 layers of clothes on. :)
See ya all later.


(kiss away the pain)